It’s hard being a man, even harder to grow from being a boy to a man, it’s most certainly not without pain, emotional and sometimes physical pain.
When I was in my teens and had started pursuing girls I consciously avoided girls with children like they had a plague or something. By then I had learnt babies didn’t come from an aeroplane, they came via the vagina, and the theory from the older boys was that girls with children were not so great down there, the thingie was now bigger, that grossed me out, and guys can be graphic about these things.
But a few sexual encounters with girls with children rendered this theory as exactly that – just theory. BUT I still did not see girls with children as potential wives, at least for me. I had grown and learnt that there was such a thing as babydaddy-drama, I had fears, insecurities; to me two people who had a child had an unshakeable bond, they could have broken up but deep down they longed for each other, it’s hard for any young man to reconcile with that ‘’fact’’. Who wants a steady girlfriend that still longs for the man who made her a mother? Not me for sure!
So I never looked at a woman with a child with a view of settling down with her. But then I had a child of my own with someone I didn’t even love, you don’t wanna know the measures she’s gone to trying to make my life a misery, as a matter she even tried to kill me. Then I learnt that having a child with someone does not mean you have any significant bond, I mean at some stage I wished her dead, but these days I pray God restores her soul and heal her of such baseless hatred for a man who did his best to be an active father under trying conditions. I feel sorry for her even, I believe she goes to church religiously, I pray that someday God will touch her heart. But the point is, having a child together does not mean you long for each other, if she were the only woman left in the world I’ll rather shag a goat.
That does not mean all my fears and insecurities about dating babymamas were wiped away, a great young mother knows it’s important that her little one has a relationship with the father, and she will encourage that long after she stopped loving the man who made her a mother. Those are women with big hearts, they know it’s not about them, but about the innocent child who needs a complete identity. Of course there are other babymamas, they meet a man and think he’s going to marry them and start sidelining the biological father while gently pushing the new man to play daddy. You also get babymamas who try too hard to accommodate a biological father who’s simply not interested. As the man in this woman’s life, it always affect you. Sometimes you wonder – is it really about the child or her hanging on to the faintest hope that she and babydaddy could still work things out? If she’s constantly at loggerheads with babydaddy you also wonder if those are feelings (of love)manifesting themselves that way.
So the question persists in my head – to marry a babymama or not? I wonder how many great women I’ve missed out on because of my aversion to women with children, would it make it any better if she’d had an abortion? Would it make it any better if she gave birth and quickly dumped her child with her mother and quickly returned to the city and went on with her life as if she wasn’t a mother? I know guys who’s say ‘yes’ to all those questions, I know many guys who missed out on love because of pride and ego. I know many women who would not date me because I’m a babydaddy, they have a right to make that call about me if they don’t have children too, I guess. I also wouldn’t want any woman with pride issues that make her look at children from previous relationships as some burden or a worse, as some curse to her. My ex told me, ‘But that means you won’t be as excited at our baby and it won’t be your first’, I thought to myself, this chikita has no clue what parenting is, what she has is a romanticized version of it. Of course while she’ll be excited I’ll be stressing about a healthy pregnancy, while she’s wondering about who the baby will look like I’ll be stressing about a good nanny and the little one’s future, not about ‘it’s OUR first-born’ ideal, because in the bigger scheme of things that means zilsh.
And while I was wondering, I met the most amazing and gorgeous babymama, I thanked my lucky stars her babydaddy didn’t put a ring on it. The pride and ego was gone, the insecurities I had were squashed by her commitment to me and us. She could have taken her child home to be raised by granny, but she chose to raise the beautiful little one herself as a single mom – I was sold. That is the strength and the resolve of a woman driven by love, I want her to have my unborn children too.
There’ll be challenges along the way, but I’ve had insurmountable challenges with women who had no children.
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